| i really hate myself, why can't i do this?
at one point i was so strong.
i need to do this; strength and perseverance now
WHO'S WITH ME?
& starting now I will be updating everyday
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| CONTROL STARTS NOW
IT DOESN'T START TOMORROW
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| i feel tired; uninterested in many activities lately. i really just want to get out of here. get in my car, get on a plane, and go. leave to go back to new york, my real home. i miss the street lights that wave in the distance. i miss the sky lines from almost any given point in the cities. i miss the smell of incense and oven-brick pizza that linger after a long trip to downtown. miss the fast-talking speed-walking style. home.
i can not wait for classes to start up again. i love college. i love to learn. i was never interested in high-school; i hated the fact that supervisors picked the classes (besides art or gym) that i was going to take. i love having the authority to accept and decided what i will learn. i love learning. a lot of my classes do not even pertain to my major-- my community college do not even have the major i am going to take. i still love taking anything humanities and philosophy driven. i even love the sciences. i love college.
last night i had a very vivid, violent dream. i was flying with my arms stretched out proudly above the green landscapes of england and ireland. german landmarks and big ben stretched out upon them. I began to scream, beg, and pray intensely. I will be here one day. I must. Please let me go here one day. over and over until it woke me up. this is probably the most horrid description however it was so intense that i was sweating. i felt it through the dream. i felt my anxieties and worries that i will never become what i long for. never be who i always dreamed i would.
sorry for the long post.
consumed:
mini mounds bar: 80 calories
green tea with honey: 40 calories
celery: 20 calories*
total: 140 calories
*i do not believe their is enough proof in negative calories to agree with it. if their is, then writing too many calories is better then not enough, meaning this is the worst possible number my intake could be.
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| Off to work.
consumed
egg sandwich: 280 calories
ice coffee: 150 calories
total: 430 calories
fatty |
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| The Happiest Binge of my life.
Long story short= I binged. The consequences of said binge (besides being over tired and sluggish), is being disgusted with food. I honestly want to vomit looking at it now. I hope this feeling lasts forever. When it doesn't, I hope I am reminded of how horrid it all feels.
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